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Everything and Nothing

Every now and again, my world demands a sigh out of me. I shake my head and shrug my shoulders, smiling in disbelief, wondering how the hell I ended up here. These moments are most pleasant outside, while alone. I seek them out, summoning my lightheaded burdens for a walk on the beach. They never tire, and I have a thing or two to learn.

There are so many stories that I want to write, characters that I know who belong between the lines, moments that follow me relentlessly…So many stories, but this is not one of them. This is a mirror; I’ll call it an essay of self, a simple sigh that my world demands, every now and again.

I think I’ve always had it in me, solitude. At the peaks of highs, or curled below in the lowest of lows, it has rarely bothered me, but I’m not alone any more. This place, here now, where I sit writing this mirror, it is finally home. Since my return to Canada in 2009, I’ve called so many couches home. So many living room floors have cradled my soul. Not long ago, I spent a few nights in a stairwell. I’ve been everything and nothing, out and about and high and empty, pieces of me scattered all over Toronto…But I’m finally home, and I’ve always loved this city. Almost every night, when I lie in bed, it’s hard not to remember all the other ceilings and all those other restless nights. I’ve been scared throughout it all, but rarely sorry. Well, my sorry self comes and goes.

I’m not sure what I know, or how much I’ve learned, but we all pick things up along our way, don’t we? In our world, it seems as if having two true friends to share your horizons with, is blessing enough. I guess I’ve learned that laughter goes a long way. It took me years to learn not to be so damn picky with my food. I guess I’ve learned humility from hunger. Just recently, I’ve begun to learn honesty. I’ve come to learn that everything takes practice.

I had to write this, whatever this is…This mirror, this sigh, my shadow, shrugging his shoulders and shaking his head. No harm in wondering how it all happened, what forces were at play..? There is a silence inside me now, I stand mesmerized by the long road ahead. I’m sure years down the line, when I’m old and gray, I’ll still be telling everyone that I’m the luckiest person I’ve ever known. For the first time, I look forward to those days. Hopefully I can keep it together till then.

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